Alright you pot bellied Papa’s, it’s that special time of year again. That time where you celebrate the fact that somebody decided you were acceptable enough to procreate with. That time where your wives and children get together at the last minute and try to think of something nice to do for you, but can’t come up with anything original. Well fret not you hard working head of households, for I am here to ensure that this year will be different.
If you recall, a while back I dropped some Mother’s Day Advice that changed the way most of us look at parental celebrations. Not only did it revolutionize the experience for Mother’s, but it caused the stress and turmoil amongst siblings to reach an all-time low. This affect, I must admit, was inadvertent. I had not considered that since I was doing all the leg work for you guys that you wouldn’t have to argue with another human about the workings of this special occasion. Due to the overwhelmingly successful results of Mom’s Day, I felt that it would only be fair that I take my expertise and apply it to the other half of your genetic makeups. So here goes guys, 5 things you can to do keep your Dad’s complacent (Dad’s aren’t capable of being happy, so I went with the closest thing they know).
1. LEAVE HIM ALONE WHEN HE LETS ONE RIP
“Better out then in” is a phrase I have heard countless times throughout my life. It’s actually more of a characteristic of my Dad then a phrase. It’s a part of who he is. You see, most people are oblivious to the fact that men take pride in their butt burps (unless of course you’re another man, then you’re aware). Allowing hot, rancid air to escape from the depths of your bowels is a sacred symbol of manliness, so please, for the love of the Big Guy above, let it happen. If you only do one thing nice for your Dad on this special day, let it be this, because there’s nothing a Dad would cherish more then being allowed to peacefully wallow in his own stench.
2. LEAVE HIM ALONE PERIOD
Your father loves you (probably), but that doesn’t mean he wants to be around you. The man likely spends 40+ hours a week with a bunch of under-appreciative whine bags at his job. What makes you think he wants to come home and do the same with you? It’s considered inconsiderate of you to force yourself upon him the moment he walks in the door from a long day at work. He likely just wants to sit down, watch some sports, and throw back a cold one. Instead, what he gets to do, is listen the rants of Mothers and children about what they did that day. A little hint: DAD DOESNT CARE HOW LONG THE LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE WAS. On this Father’s Day, I would suggest you don’t even speak to him. He will be thankful.
3. GIVE YOUR PETS AWAY
Don’t you think you are dependent enough upon him without bringing more living creatures into his presence? Sure, that’s exactly what Dad wants, to support one more food consuming, turd making leech. He spends all of his time and energy making sure you’re taken care of, but that isn’t enough. We should make it so that he also has to care for a creature that licks it’s own butt and doesn’t even know Dad’s name. Dad’s create beautiful lawns and dogs destroy them. Seems like all signs point to the pound. I suggest you take a note from Pets.com and make the doggies disappear.
4. MAKE AN 80’s REFERENCE
This one will be tricky for most of you for two reasons.
1. I mentioned earlier that you are not to speak to your father. I still stand by this, however there will be a point in the day in which you will be forced to make some sort of contact. Perhaps he needs another beer and requests that you retrieve it for him. Maybe the TV remote will not be within arms length and he will need your assistance obtaining it. (See what I mean about the pet thing, he’s basically going to be making you play fetch, so why does he need a beast of less intelligence to do the same?) During these moments you will likely be forced to have some sort of audible interaction with your Father.
2. Most people are either to young to remember the 80’s, or they are old enough to remember but they just want to forget. EXCEPT FOR DAD’s.
For some God forsaken reason, Dad’s love the 80’s. During those moments of involuntary interaction, try to sneak in some sort of lingo from your Pop’s favorite era. It’ll make him giddier then a school girl with Beiber Fever.
5. LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP
For Mother’s Day, I suggested doing the exact opposite in order to appeal to their never ending quest for cleanliness. This day isn’t for you though Mom’s, so bite the bullet and appease your husbands never ending quest for convenience. It’s just as inconsiderate for a women to leave the toilet seat down as it is for a man to leave the toilet seat up. Honestly ladies, I think you’ve all been a bit selfish when it comes to this.
So there you go Dad’s. You should know by now that I have your hairy old backs. I sincerely hope that all of you sons/daughters out there take the opportunity to capitalize on this golden nugget of wisdom placed before you. To all you Dad’s out there, Happy Father’s Day.
My Dad (not sure who’s the guy holding him)
I'm Not As Funny As I Think 