Our standards for entertainment have dropped lower then a midget in a mine cave. This last week has been spent fluttering on about a superhero based what is essentially a “winged rodent”. If I wanted to watch a screechy creature try to maintain order, I would go back to third grade and take Mrs. Sleph’s class again. Although I find the concept of this movie ridiculous, I took one for the team and viewed a matinee showing of The Dark Knight Rises. My opinion’s are highly valued throughout the online community, so I felt it a necessity to post a review of the hottest film of the summer.
PLOT
I found it really odd that they made this movie a musical. The majority of the songs they sang didn’t rhyme and they just sang them in a tone of voice that sounded like normal conversation. Besides that one stand out thing, I felt it was a pretty strong theme. There’s this dark guy versus this big guy and one of them thinks that good is the right way to go while the other opts for bad. They both agree to a contest to determine which one of them is right. I’ll keep the outcome of this contest to myself because spoiled endings are the third most common type of death among blog readers.
CAST
Batman/Bruce Wayne
The main man of the movie really has a tough go of things. What was once a well established billion dollar empire crumbles like a dehydrated dog turd in the Arizona sunshine. Mr. Wayne loses his entire fortune based on a couple of bad dice rolls in a real life game of Monopoly, and so begins his downward spiral. He takes to smoking which causes him to talk funny everytime he throws on the Batman suit. If he would only clear his throat once in a while, I feel it would be much easier for him to get his point across to his enemies. Bruce even kicks out his babysitter Alfred for a while because he gets to tired of repeating himself to the deaf old bloke. Christian Bale does a good job of playing this character, but I still can’t get over the fact that his super hero is based on a rabies infested, sonar supporting species.
Bane
Bane is the type of guy who likes to play the bad boy. He, like Batman, smokes way to much and has let it affect his larynx. Because of this he’s forced to wear of those machines that lets you talk even though you don’t have any vocal chords (as you can see in the picture above). Hearing him and Batman have a conversation is like hearing a dog growl at Stephen Hawking. Something you might not notice about him if you don’t pay attention is that he is a pretty terrible boss. Throughout the movie, he continuously mistreats his employees, and they don’t even have benefits to begin with. His does most of his work in the sewer system of Gotham, so I suppose that is one factor that contributes to his constant case of the “Mondays”. Another thing most people don’t notice (especially the ladies), is that Bane is a gym junkie. He is more ripped than the underwear of your favorite high school nerd. So when you see him on the screen, pay attention gals, you might just see some eye candy (unless your diabetic, in which case DO NOT partake in eye candy).
Catwoman
Let’s be honest, the only reason Anne Hathaway received a part in this film is because the E.O.E. requires that places of employment hire females as well. As you can see in the picture above, they did some poor casting for the part of Catwoman. If you are going to select someone to represent a sleek, feminine animal, please make sure that they physically fit the part. It’s as if they chose the most disgusting actress in Hollywood and threw her in some leotards. Ok, but in all seriousness, I find it a bit ironic that the part of a woman obsessed with cats is played by someone so attractive. Typically crazy cat ladies live at home alone and partake in full fledged conversations with their felines.
SPOILER ALERT!
BOOM! POW! Gunfire! Explosion! Punch! Wham!
MY CONCLUSION
Siskel and Ebert should give it 1 thumb up. Not because it is a bad movie, but because Siskel is dead, therefore he can’t raise his thumbs. Ebert, however is old, but he can still get one of those bad boys up if the time is right. The time is right now Ebert, so let’s make that good thumb rise to the occasion.
I'm Not As Funny As I Think 