2012 Election Highlights

My fellow Americans… this past year has been a tough one for us. We’ve seen many tragedies and hardships fall upon our country, but none as great as the barrage of political ads we’ve been forced to suffer through in these past few months. As a leader in the blogging industry I would just like to extend my condolences for the time lost during commercial breaks. We, as a nation, could have glued our eyes to the likes of quirky Coca-Cola commercials, lizards with British accents, or colored shadow people dancing with iPods. BUT NO! Our arms have been hypothetically twisted into taking in these televised terrors consisting of blue donkeys and red elephants. Fear no more, for this term of tyranny has come to an end. We as Americans are free to once again feed into our glutenous desires and indulge in some good ol’ fashion impulse spending courtesy of your regularly scheduled 30 second corporate commercials.

Before we completely flush the political poop down the porcelain pipe way, I would like to take one last look at this past year. Bear with me, for I will not be placing arguments for or against either party because that is like…. soooo five days ago. I am merely going to highlight some of the finer moments in the chaos we’ve called campaigns.

Clint Eastwood Talks to a Chair

This did not bode well for Republicans. It is my firm belief that if you are over the age of 80 and having conversations with furniture, you should be having your meals delivered on a tray. At this point in Mr. Eastwood’s life, a more applicable quote would be “Go ahead…. Make my bed.” Perhaps when he is playing bingo in the rec room he could relive one of his more famous lines… “Do I feel lucky?”.

The disturbing thing about this scenario is not that Clint Eastwood appeared to have lost a game of musical chairs with an imaginary friend. It is more so the fact that millions of people cheered him on in the process. Supporting the deterioration of one’s mental health is not something commonly practiced among our culture, however this particular instance seems to be a smash hit! Well done Clint, well done! You’ve once again proven that “method acting” delivers the most convincing performance.

Trump’s Twitter Temper Tantrum

Remember when you were seven years old and started potty-training? The concept was new and foreign, and your instincts told you to fight it. Why should you have designated areas for something that occurs so naturally and at any given moment? When this new policy was first implemented by your parents it was only natural for you to cry, scream, and protest! Every argument that came out of your mouth was irrational and had no real facts to back it. You merely argued because you were stubborn and could not bear the thought of your bowel movements being confined to an individual location. While most of you eventually moved on and realized that the authoritative figures forcing this new rule upon were only looking out for your best interests, some of you continued to harbor resentment. The mere fact that you didn’t get your way caused you to lash out at anyone who would listen. You showed your true colors to the world by ranting and raving about how you couldn’t poop when and where you wanted.

This is exactly what happened with Donald Trump moments after President Obama’s victory was announced. Also, Donald Trump is not yet potty-trained.

Colorado & Washington Legalize Marijuana

A major breakthrough was made in our country in this 2012 election……buuuuuuuuut……… I can’t remember what it was? Guess I’ll just finish this part of my blog when I get home from my vacation in Washington dudes……………

Solution to Obamacare

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A large majority of American’s have their panties in a bunch currently, which means stained underwear is showing up left and right in dumpsters throughout the country. No need to play dumb, we all know what this is about. Obamacare. Some of you may not be aware of what this is, so here’s a brief synopsis…

Obamacare

President Barrack Obama feels that our entire country should be healthy. I find that a little unfair because America is supposed to be the land of the free, therefore if I want to weigh 763 pounds and drink mayonnaise with my dinner, I should be able to. We are not all half black Mr. President, so we can’t all be athletically superior by nature. What if you don’t care about health? Is that not the point of being an independent country? If you would like to summersault down a cactus mountain without having to get medical attention afterwards, shouldn’t that be up to you?

If you’ll recall, a while back I wrote a letter to America’s favorite black oval office occupier petitioning a spring break extension. I am still awaiting his response because he’s probably planning the most strategic form of attack to get this spring break thing to pass. Once again, I feel that it is imperative I express myself to our nation’s leader, however, it will be strictly through this post instead of a handwritten letter (we’re not living in the 50’s anymore people, step your tech game up). Below are some opinions I have (based on age differences) that will help our fearless leader to understand why he doesn’t have to ALWAYS be right. “Hope”fully Bar Rack (A cool thing to call the President) will read this with an open mind, and maybe even have a “change” of heart.

Babies:

Ok, I get it. They are probably the least intelligent form of humanity, therefore they need all the help they can get. I will give you JUST THIS ONE you slender suited scoundrel. Don’t get me wrong, babies are cuter then a ladybug on a puppies nose (at least some of them are). For some unknown reason though, babies are not capable of caring for their bodies. In fact they aren’t even capable of making any conscious decisions, therefore it would be understandable to force healthcare upon them and ONLY THEM. I gave you a little bit of leeway with this one Bar Rack, so it’s up to you now to figure out how the babies pay for this.

Children-Teens:

Having health insurance for these mouthy monsters is the equivalent of putting full coverage on a Lindsay Lohan vehicle. We all know they are going to get wrecked, so why bother? All these kids want to do is drink energy drinks and stare at some form of a monitor all day, therefore all of them will likely parish from a combination of diabetes and radiation exposure. Do we really want to invest so much into a hyperactive, glowing adolescent that won’t be grateful for the sacrifices anyways?

Young Adults:

Now we’re getting to the good stuf… my generation. The generation upon which the hopes and dreams of our country reside. You’re welcome country. I do appreciate that our president is concerned for our well being, but I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are broke, and would much rather spend what little money we have on iPhones and beer. So what if we overwork our liver, in turn shortening our life span. We are aware of those consequences and will deal with them when the time comes. Quite similar to the way in which you are treating our countries debt situation if I’m not mistaken.

Middle-Agers:

These are the folks that are caring for those tenacious teenagers mentioned earlier. It takes a plethora of patience to deal with those devils, and at some point, it will probably run out. Trying to discipline a teen is like attempting to french braid the hairs on a caterpillar. This sort of stress takes a toll on any parent and causes health levels to deteriorate quicker then that of a modern day pop star. I feel that the solution here is obvious. Health care isn’t the issue, birth control is. It would be much more conducive to our nation’s needs to prevent procreation, then to have forced coverage of medical needs that shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

Seniors:

This group of grandparents should be the least of anyones concerns. I would be willing to bet that they all would have health care whether we want them to or not. Nobody wants to die Mr. Prezzy-pants. Old people have more ailments then a clumsy, near-sighted stunt double. They are also incredibly smart because that’s really the only part of their bodies they can use anymore, so don’t you think it’s a bit unnecessary for this bill to be forced upon them?

Pensive President

This is what I picture you to look like now that you’ve read what I have to say Bar Rack. I can only imagine the frustration your experiencing right now realizing that you’ve been making a huge mistake this whole time. This realization is probably more mind blowing then even that of the Higgs boson discovery. I know it’s tough being a black man in America, but cheer up big guy, you’ve still got a lot going for you. Now you can call off the hounds with this whole Obamacare thing and focus solely on getting the ball rolling on our upcoming Spring Break Extension bill. Feel free to give me a jingle if you wanna chit chat about this, because I do not like having unresolved conflict.